I am not stronger than you - I did things. I am not braver than you - I do things.
Strong and brave can feel like dismissals of what I do with my vulnerability and fear.
Let us say I throw myself onto the dancefloor as the first one there, speak what is necessary to people with the power to cost me something, share my flawed singing practice or start my own business. That has on several occasions prompted friends to tell me: "You are so brave!"
I felt thoroughly misunderstood. Worsening that feeling is that through this misunderstanding, people risk attributing me a quality that they may feel differentiates them from me, their abilities as different from mine. It is really important to me to meet in an understanding that I do not have some magic quality called ‘brave’ that others don’t have.
For example, I am scared of feeling that people will not have my back, when I need it. Doing anything that may provoke that feeling is scary for me. I'll do it carrying along that fear in my pocket, patting its head and telling it that I get why it is scared. What allows this process is a combination of mindful emotion watching and a willingness to be in pain. But I would not call it bravery. It's just hard work.
I’m working on the balance of stopping with pushing myself to do things that feel too scary, yet still encouraging myself to be continually learning. Said in another way, I am questioning whether learning has to feel as scary, as I’ve been telling myself. Whatever the answer to that is, I would certainly like to not be considered a champion of bravery. Maybe I can just get to do things that feel okay or good a lot of the time. Sounds like luxury, might work though.
To build that future, I insist on it in the present. I insist on a world where whatever I need to do to be more fully human should not be too scary, it should not be perceived as brave, it should be entirely normal. Doing things that feel acceptably scary, sharing vulnerability, publicly singing or dancing or however we need to act on our truth.
That is why the ‘You are so brave!’ compliment has made me angry (yes angry means sad). Because it insists that we’re not there yet...
I disagree.
Love,
May
You call me brave, courageous. You think this is a choice. I wring out my creativity, share my feelings, act on my intuition and claw my way through the thorned branches of fear for survival. Sheer fucking necessity. I felt the pull to end it when I didn’t. This way I get to witness another sunset.